In college I bought an old, brown, worn-out leather journal (typical hipster move) and wrote in it often. As Hayden and I packed up our things to move a few days ago, I flipped through those pages full of messy handwriting that have been shut for so long. The first chunk of pages were rambles about my new found understanding of being in love. I was particularly taken with the fact that I could love someone that I’d known for such a short time, so unconditionally. There were lots of gaps through out the diary from time spent away, but as I kept reading I noticed a pattern. Everything I wrote, I did so because of a new discovery, a learning moment, a time of enlightenment. As I went through the journal, I saw it is an unintentional timeline of the important chapters in my life. The experiences that define who I am right now. Whether it be friendship, my relationship, or my pain and health difficulties these last few years – I documented the things I didn’t want to forget. Today, I really didn’t want to forget something. So I took out my old journal and wrote:
May 3, 2017
Hayden, Yinny and I moved into our apartment today and couldn’t be happier. It really feels like a new beginning for us, like things are moving forward. I am a little over 4 weeks post-op from hip surgery and my recovery is on track. Overall, my health and pelvic pain have improved. I’m eating better, playing with florals, and most importantly meditating everyday.
I sit here in our simple bedroom with clean white walls, on a big king bed, Yinny kneading a soft blanket at my feet. The sunlight is coming through two huge windows and I see a framed photo of Hayden holding my niece Summer on his chest when she was only a few months old. I’m finishing up a new book. I’m writing. I’ve never felt so much peace and gratitude as I do in this moment.
I worry a lot about what is next for me. But, right now, it feels good not to worry & just be. When you’re busy working, you wish for free time like this – when you have free time and life is simple, it’s easy to fill it with worries. The world always makes us feel like we aren’t doing enough. I can’t remember the last time I sat in such a quiet place without any distractions, fully letting myself into the moment.
I’m usually too busy trying to be somebody or thinking about how to become somebody. I’m aiding and giving direction to women with endometriosis, growing in our garden, or scrolling through Instagram to distract myself. Deep down, I’m stressing out about my hips and my health in the future.
But there is healing to be made in being present. For the first time in my life, since all the stress & fear I constantly felt over these last few years, I feel like I’m coming closer to peace. And to the person I really wanted to be: calm, accepting & patient. It’s my own age of enlightenment I guess. And I would’ve never made it here without all that darkness.