I don’t know if I’m in the mood to write but I need to do something, and given the fact that this was my way of coping for 4 years it might be worth a try. I’ve always considered myself the type of person who is not afraid to face emotions and process them, often opening myself up to others easily without fear of vulnerability. But lately I’ve been feeling more closed off.  It’s as if my brain consists of many doors and each holds a piece of my personality, but the doors to my most important traits keep shutting at inconvenient times.

My mind is trying to process so much I find it really hard to be present around others and carry conversation earnestly — which, from what I know about myself, is very unlike me. Even when I pull it off, I am really exhausted from the effort it’s now taking me to have long interactions. I think it’s making me come off a little sour.

I’m (or we, as in my husband and I – but mostly me) are in the middle of making what feels like the biggest decision of our lives this month. My uterus hasn’t been doing me much good lately and as usual is making it difficult to do everyday things, especially the things I enjoy.  This may sound too simple and insensitive given the situation, but just how you let bad friends go, I might be lettin’ this uterus of mine go. As much as I dread going through another surgery for the third (fourth? i lost count) year in a row, I know it’s one last attempt at allowing my body to function at it’s best. And I desperately don’t want to give up on the idea that I can return to a pain-free life.

Unlike some of my friends, I’ve never been the type of woman who dreamed of being a mother.  It’s not something I’ve put much thought into throughout my life. Maybe that’s because I always assumed I’d just be able to have kids. I don’t feel by any means that I was “born to be a mom”, although I think I could make a pretty good one. My husband and I still feel far away from that chapter of our lives. Especially since we’ve spent most of our twenties navigating and treating my chronic illnesses. There are so many dreams and aspirations we want to tackle. And the last few years have felt like were going through the motions of life and making decisions but with a weight and chain around our ankles to make sure we can’t go too far or have too much fun.

I wish it was as black and white as: take out your uterus and you’ll feel better, but it’s not. We can’t really know for sure. All I know is that it might, and right now that feels better than knowing I will definitely continue living with pain that is holding me back – us back – so much.

A friend of mine who also suffer’s with endometriosis and adenomyosis was kind enough to share her “Hysterectomy Pro’s and Con’s” list with me.  This pro bullet point on her list really struck me: “Don’t have to wait until having kids to live a NORMAL life.”

This got me thinking: Is it really worth it to hold onto something that is causing me so much suffering and sadness, just so I can maybe conceive a child one day? And how can I care for that child when sometimes I cannot care for myself? There are also so many children in need. But I know I can’t escape how much society glorifies pregnancy these days, and how this might affect me for the rest of my life.

I’ve been considering a hysterectomy for over a year and it’s not until now, when I’m in the process of scheduling that this grieving over infertility is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I cry so much. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing – the laundry, cooking, reading, driving – you name it, I’ve probably cried while doing it this week. It’s still hard for me to believe that I have to make this decision at all. I’m twenty-six but God I feel like a little kid inside. Confused and not understanding why I’m put in this situation. I think we’re all just kids inside who have learned how to fake being adults, and tricked ourselves along with everyone else.

I’m not sure why I wrote a little letter to my uterus, but I did. It brought up emotions that I didn’t know I’ve been protecting myself from feeling. Oddly enough, I felt genuinely sorry for my uterus, as if it was a person I was letting down and giving up on–or maybe deep down I was also talking to the baby it could possibly create. I’ve had this organ for twenty-six years and I’m just now appreciating it and understanding it’s significance in my life.  I’ll leave you with the letter. Thanks so much for reading, seriously.

My uterus,

I tried to make this work, I really did. But it might be time to part ways. You’ve been doing more harm than good in my body and i’m tired – very tired. Just as it’s not my fault i’m sick, it’s not your fault you’re sick either. This has been the hardest decision i’ll ever make. We have tried everything in hopes it wouldn’t come to this, but I’m not ready to give up on my quality of life. It’s hard to be at peace knowing you’ll be gone, but there is peace in knowing that i’m doing what’s best for me and my body. Thank you for being so wonderful to me for the first twenty years of my life. I’m truly sorry I didn’t appreciate you more.

 

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Posted by:Brooke Haffey

7 replies on “Ending a 26-year relationship… with my uterus

  1. Brooke
    I am adopted !! I am so blessed my parents chose to adopt and love me . If and when you want to have kids, there will be someone like me that needs a mom and dad to love them and make them a part of a family . I will pray for you two as you make this decision . You have been through so much and I can tell you are worn out from this chapter of your life . I pray that this chapter gets closure and you have a new bright chapter begin in 2019 . Sending you lots of hugs

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  2. Hi Brooke,
    As always your post hit it right on the head.. always feels like you are writing my thoughts exactly!!!
    After two laparoscopic excision surgery.. I am ready to have a hysterectomy. I feel the same as.. if there is a chance of feeling better it is worth trying.
    What you said about not being well enough to take care of yourself let alone a child is exactly how I feel and how I have explained to others.
    I wish you luck and peace on your journey..

    If you don’t mind me asking.. where are you thinking of having the surgery done?
    I had both of my surgeries with Dr. Orbuch.. I was planning to have my hysterectomy with her also. I figured between the fact that I probably need another “clean out” and she knows my complicated case, she was the best option.
    But I am starting to freak out about the out of pocket costs involved. I could potential see another excision specialist who does take insurance but that would mean starting over with a new doc and who knows how long of a wait it would require.
    So I guess my question is.. are sticking with your original surgeon??

    Again.. I wish you peace in making this tough decision. I know it is not an easy one and it can make your heart heavy.

    Best,
    Erin

    Sent from my iPhone

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    1. Hi Erin! I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. It sounds like we such similar stories! Thank you for reaching out. It’s very nice to know someone is feeling the same way. I am sticking to my original excision surgeon, Dr. Sinervo, although it’s out of state and more expensive. I trust him most and know if there is any endo he’s the only guy who can get the job done. I feel it’s my best chance of needing no surgeries again and the smartest decision i can make. I know a few girls who Did the same. Wishing you all the best on this journey and relief from your pain. Sending lots of love to you! ❤️ keep me updated.

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      1. And have just seen your latest post.. we really are on similar paths. My surgery date is Feb 8th. Doing full hysterectomy and possible removal of at least one or both ovaries.
        Thank you for putting into words what I haven’t been able to. Ever since I got my surgery date I have felt irritable.. I think it is me processing this decision somewhere deep down.
        I will be thinking of you and so comforting that someone else understands this process!!
        Lots of love and peace😘 Erin

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