It is ten days before surgery and I’ve finished my work for the day, now sitting here alone with my thoughts which is like asking to go down a rabbit hole of self-pity so here we are.
Why is self-pity considered such an awful thing? I understand that self-pity manifested over things like not having a million dollars or your dream boyfriend is one thing. But what about when life gets legitimately very hard for us?
We are rewarded for feeling sorry for those in difficult situations (through charity, volunteering, and get well cards) but shamed for treating ourselves how we’d treat others. The saying’s “Treat others how you want to be treated”, “You can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself” and “Be kind to yourself” have been told to us over and over again. A little confusing if you ask me. Not that anyone would. In my experience, suppressing feelings of self-pity during very challenging times can easily lead to anger.
I am overwhelmed…..Well, that felt good to write.
It’s true. I am feeling an overabundance of grief, loss and guilt right now. Too much to even process. Here are some thoughts that go through a 26 year old, happily married & childless woman’s head before removing her uterus:
- My husband will never experience having a pregnant wife.
- I will never experience the most profound thing a women’s body can do.
- How will this affect my marriage, long-term?
- That little scenario I’ve always played in my head of the day I get to excitedly announce to my husband, who I love so deeply, that we are having a baby will never become reality. For the record, I imagined I’d make lasagna (no idea, why) and write it on top with red sauce then ask him to cut it for me. That isn’t even cool!! But I do love a subtle surprise. I don’t know why but this one makes me cry the most.
I know what I have to do. My calendar shows a lousy three “no pain” days (which means I could go for a walk) out of twenty-one days this month. But honestly, there aren’t any good options: live with a crummy quality of life or infertility. That feels like a big fat lose-lose to me. Which one felt more manageable to me personally? I chose the latter.
Just because I’m making this decision for myself, doesn’t mean I feel peace – how could anyone? Just because I’m choosing my quality of life over giving life doesn’t mean I’m kinda selfish and don’t really care.
I feel guilt. I feel immense loss. And right now, it’s hard to see an end in sight.